26 Feb Life after a breakup – losing the wings beneath my feet – 7 ways to recover

Very often the effects of a breakup are often underestimated and underrated, it absolutely is one of the most traumatic events in a persons life. Even when a relationship ends on good terms or on your instigation there is still an emotional upheaval that normally takes you by surprise. When a breakup is instigated by your partner and it comes out of the blue the effect can be even more profound.
In all breakups there is a feeling of rejection, it damages your self esteem and you often feel you have failed. Not only is there a loss of a partner but a loss of the future you had mapped out in your mind, your hopes and dreams. You are feeling very vulnerable and alone.
The longer you have spent and invested in a relationship the more your sense of identity melted with your partners. Because you shared such an intimate space a third psychological overlapping entity is created that is a blend of the two of you. When that third entity breakups it is an emotional rollercoaster of emotions that leaves you not really knowing your own single entity. Part of your own identity was lost.
One of the most important things you need to recognise is that all the above is normal and recovery after a breakup takes time. But rest assured you will recover healthily and find happiness again. I can help you in this journey, you can have a 15-minute free consultation with me to understand how I can help you. I have been where you are and so I totally understand the emotional rollercoaster you are experiencing.

Here are 10 ways to help you recover

1. STOP CONTACT – although you maybe tempted to keep in touch and be friends, it is difficult because of the third entity to let go. However, keeping contact causes more emotional stress. Research has shown that recovery is quicker if you stop contact. Of course, if there are children involved then there has to be limited contact restricted to just discussing the children. Stopping or limiting contact links to boundary setting, which you should always practice. Here is what Healthline say about boundaries “Our personal boundaries aren’t as obvious as a fence or a giant “no trespassing” sign, unfortunately. They’re more like invisible bubbles. Even though personal boundaries can be challenging to navigate, setting and communicating them is essential for our health, well-being, and even our safety.”

2. ACKNOWLEDGE HOW YOU ARE FEELING – Allow yourself to feel sad, angry, upset and let yourself cry. All these feelings are normal and acknowledging them is an important part of recovery. Crying is the bodies way of coping; it is an emotional connection with what is happening in your life. It is not a weakness but a strength. It enables us to let go of the negative things in our lives. Emotional tears caused by a breakup are the body’s natural painkiller and results in a healthier mind. It takes strength to show vulnerability. – see my blog Why crying is good for you in a divorce or breakup

3. TALK TO SOMEONE – Often we are poor observers of our own relationships and feelings, an objective view is really important. Plus, it is really important to discuss how you are feeling. Talk to a good friend but make sure they are not too emotionally involved. A divorce coach can really help you move forward and hold your hand in order to help you to make sound decisions and equip you with the tools you need in order to successfully deal with this major life event.

4. TAKE ME TIME – It is really important to step back and invest in yourself. You need to take time to find you again. That third entity takes time to leave you and find the person you were before the relationship. Take time to do the things you really enjoy, take up a new hobby. Never bury your pain in alcohol this never helps in the long run and often makes things worse. Eat healthily and take exercise, I am a great believer in Healthy Body = Healthy Mind. I also find listening to music really helps too but avoid songs that bring bad memories from your broken relationship. Make sure you sleep well, often this is not easy I find using one of the many sleep apps helps. Try a few and find one that works for you.

5. ACKNOWLEDGE THE GRIEVING CYCLE OF A BREAKUP – In 1969 Kubler-Ross described five stages of grief in her book “On Death and Dying”. These stages represent the normal range of feelings people experience when dealing with change in their lives. The stages were first observed as a human response to learning about death. They have also been used to understand our individual responses to all kinds of change and it clearly applies to divorce and breakups. Not everyone will experience all of these stages in a divorce or breakup, or, if all are experienced, they won’t necessarily occur in this particular order. You can go back sometimes to any of the stages. This model helps those experiencing divorce or breakup as to why they are feeling the emotions and reactions they are and to understand that their experiences are perfectly normal and how they are an integral part of their recovery. See my blog The grieving cycle of Divorce – is it more difficult to come to terms with than death?

6. DO NOT START ANOTHER RELATIONSHIP WHILST YOU ARE RECOVERING – it is really important not to jump into another relationship until you have recovered. You need time to mourn until you can let go and move on.

7. DON’T TAKE THE BREAKUP PERSONALLY – remind yourself that you deserved to be loved and valued. What happened in the past relationship is not to do with you as a person it is not because you are unworthy, unlovable or at fault.

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